Here are my favourite five animal jokes.
A man goes into a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink.
The bartender says, "You can't bring that dog in here!" The man, without missing a beat, says, "This is my guide dog."
"Oh man," the bartender, says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.
Another man walks into the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says, "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a guide dog."
The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says, "You can't bring that dog in here!"
The second man replies, "This is my guide dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as guide dogs."
The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What? They gave me a Chihuahua?!"
This man comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbour's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is very dead and the man panics.
He thinks the neighbours are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house, gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbour's house, hoping that they will think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbour is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?"
The guy stumbles around and says, "Um.. no.. um.. what happened?"
The neighbour replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!"
After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife, and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he would just shrug her off with some bored comment.
This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.
The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!"
Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!"
Again, the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.
"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home.
When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!"
The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my foot!"
A young man's mother was now living in Miami Beach and he did not see her that often. His father was no longer around and he was worried that his mom was lonely. For her birthday, he purchased a rare parrot, trained to speak seven languages. He had a courier deliver the bird to his dear mother. A few days later, he called.
"Mother, what do you think of the bird?"
"The bird was good, but a little tough. I should have cooked it longer."
"You ate the bird? Mother, the bird was very expensive. It spoke seven languages!"
"Oh, excuse me. But, if the bird was so smart, why didn't it say something when I put it in the oven?"
A woman is walking down the street to work and she sees a parrot in a pet store.
The parrot says to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
Well, the woman is furious! She storms past the store to her work. On the way home, she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
Well, she was incredibly ticked now. The next day she saw the same parrot and the parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
The woman was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager said, "That's not good," and promised he would ensure the parrot would not say it again.
When the woman walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, "Hey lady." She paused and said, "Yes?" and the bird said, "You know."
select one here...