Introduction:These do not belong to the author of this list, but honor cannot be given to the person who constructed these since they are not known. Enjoy the laughs and smiles this humor can create.
The best bartender joke ever begins with an introduction and the bartenders words. A lawyer, an Illegal Alien, a pathological liar, a Muslim, a Communist and black guy walk into a bar. The bartender asks "What can I get for you mr. president?"
Nancy Pelosi, Barack Obama and Hilary Clinton are all traveling together in Air Force one. Nancy says, I can easily make 100 people happy by dropping 100 one dollar bills from this plane. To do her story one better, Hillary says I can make them even happier by dropping 100 $5 dollar bills. Obama says I have you both beat since I would drop 100 ten dollar bills from the plane making one hundred people happy. Hearing the ideas from the cockpit, the captain says:"I can make millions happy by dropping you three off right here".
Major General Cosgrove is an Australian who was recently interviewed on the radio, by a female broadcaster who was questioning Major General Cosgrove about children and guns. There was a boy scout troop visiting his military headquarters and the Major General Cosgrove explained all the things he would introduce to these boy scouts. He mentioned he would teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and also shooting. The ABC radio interviewer picked up on the shooting right away and stated that was a bit irresponsible for him to be teaching shooting. Major General Cosgrove replied that the scouts would be taught proper rifle discipline before even touching a firearm. The female interjected that the Major General Cosgrove was equipping them to become violent killers. Major General Cosgrove quickly responded, "Well Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?". After 46 seconds of silence the interview was over.
One day at church a man was waiting for the service to begin as he sat next to an old lady who was praying out loud, but in a whisper like voice. She spoke loud enough that her prayers were overheard to say the following. " Dear Lord, this has been a tough three years or more for me. You have taken my favorite actor, Patrick Swayze, my favorite musician, Michael Jackson, my favorite salesman Billy Mays, my favorite actress of all time, Elizabeth Taylor and now you have my favorite announcer Dick Clark as well. I just wanted you to know that my favorite politician is Barack Obama. Amen"
A couple were disagreeing about the chores of the house. The lady of the house said the Bible can answer all our arguments. "Well", said the husband, "This is one that cannot be". The wife continued with her statements about the husband should be the one who gets the coffee started since he was the first up in the house. The husband resented that idea and told the wife it is her duty to get the coffee since she was in charge of cooking. He continued and said he would wait until she got up to make his coffee, but added a snide look at the end of that statement of proposed patience. The wife said the Bible does address this topic and the husband demanded her to prove that to him. As she picked up the Bible she quickly turned the pages to the New Testament where the book stipulated "Hebrews".
A husband and wife were out for their weekly drive, but today was different. They left the house not in agreement to where they were going and so had not said very many words for many miles. Both were stubborn and did not want to be the first to break the silence, so it continued for quite some time. The time passed and each held firm to their position of being right without talking to the other. The day was clear and the sun was shinning brightly as they passed a farm and a barnyard filled with mules, goats and pigs. The husband saw his chance and sarcastically blurted out to his wife. "Relatives of yours?". "Yep", the wife quickly retorted "In - laws".
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