Introduction:There is a joke with a few choice words in the joke, so if you are easily offended, please do not read these. Otherwise these jokes will be quite amusing.
A man greets the minister after the service and says loudly,"That was a damn good sermon, pastor." With that the minister winces, but says nothing. The parishioner continues with ,"That was the damn best sermon I ever heard anywhere, pastor." In a low voice the minister could not contain his thoughts any longer and whispered, "I am so glad you liked it so much, but would you mind not using profanity in your conversation with me, please." The parishioner says back to the minister, "It was so good I dropped five thousand dollars in the collection plate." Without skipping a second beat of his heart, the minister said. "Holy crap, did you really?"
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was
concerned that her daughter was having sex. When she visited her doctor, she expressed her concern to the physician. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and
until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms. Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,
"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis. After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem." The next morning when the boy arrived at the breakfast table, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. "Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?" "Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father." Pancakes were served every morning for 3 months.
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa, Florida .
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of
all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"
Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!" They are knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?" "I lied about my age", Bob replies.
"What, did you tell her you were only 50?" Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."
select one here...