Expecting mothers: beware! When you become pregnant, certain people are going to say certain things to you, some of which you might find offensive (if you're human). If you happen to be pregnant now, or you've been pregnant before, you will no doubt recognize some of these lovely lines that you're bombarded with on a day-to-day basis. Make no mistake, people will make comments to you (or about you) for the entire time you're pregnant. However, as you reach the last couple of months, things really begin to get ugly. Since I'm about twenty months pregnant right now, I can speak from experience-it's brutal out there. I feel it's my job to forewarn you of what's to come.
Here's a list of the top five things that people should never, ever say to a pregnant woman (in no particular order):
Really? Thanks for the compliment! When people say this to me, I swear I just want to ask them how restful their sleep is when there's a watermelon protruding from their abdomen-not to mention the back pain, constipation, leg cramps, and all the other wonderful stuff mothers-to-be get to deal with during pregnancy. Of course we look tired, stupid! We are tired! Pregnancy is nine months of tired, so shut up about it. Saying it doesn't make anything better.
In this case, I immediately think "suck it!" That's not necessarily what I recommend saying in response (though I'd like to be there if you do). Why do people feel the need to tell you how much they gained or didn't gain? Who cares? I find this especially offensive when it's clear (like in my case) that I've gained more than twelve freaking pounds. So, to you, twelve pound gainer, I say shut up and quit rubbing it in my face that you were skinny when you were pregnant. If karma has a say here, you might gain eighty pounds next time.
Okay, now this really gets on my nerves. First of all, why are people examining my plate anyway? This is the one time in life where women should be able to eat freely with no judgment. Most of the time, our lives are filled with diets and restrictions and off-limits foods. Dammit, I want to eat while I'm pregnant. I'll go back to a "diet" after the baby comes (well, maybe), but right now, I don't need to hear it. So what if I have a piece of cake? I eat vegetables, too (I do!...sometimes).
When someone said this to me at the beginning of my seventh month, I had a mixed reaction. At first, I felt like punching the imbecile who had the nerve to say this to me. I mean, this is a dangerous statement; if you don't know when the baby's due, don't make a comment. You're asking for trouble, I swear. My second reaction was to cry a little. Obviously I'm hormonal. Regardless, it's not like you're feeling great about your figure at this point, so people should just shut up about it and move on with their lives. On the other hand, I'd like to conduct an experiment wherein I cry every time someone says something rude and insensitive, just to see the reaction. It would be nice, wouldn't it, to make that person feel bad? Perhaps people would start thinking a little if all of us preggos cried every time a stupid comment came our way (though I think fixing my makeup might get a little overwhelming, since people say this crap regularly. Yes, regularly! Be ready).
What kind of a question is this? No, actually I'm not sure, despite the multitude of ultrasounds and doctors visits I've had. In fact, it probably is twins; the doctor wouldn't have noticed. Seriously, people. What is this? I'll tell you what-it's a roundabout way of saying how huge you are. Thanks. This is exactly what a pregnant woman needs to hear. When a woman said this to me the other day, it basically rendered me speechless. (Also, I'd like to point out that I heard this from a woman who is quite large herself). But anyway, how do people expect you to respond to this? It's not nice, so shut up! If it was twins, I would have told you.
So, as you embark on the wondrous journey of pregnancy, keep in mind that you are bound to run into a dozen idiots a week (or sometimes a day). These people don't know when to keep their comments to themselves, and they are rarely what we might call "quick thinkers." So, if you happen to hear one of these comments (and it's likely you will...unless you're the woman who gained twelve pounds), prepare some witty comebacks so you can stun the hell out of the offender. Or, perhaps, you could consider saying nothing, smiling, and writing an article about it later.
select one here...